Focus on the positive

What are your strengths? Can you list three off the top of your head and write them down? Now, what are your weaknesses? How many immediately come to mind? Isn't it amazing how it is easier to point out our weaknesses and much harder to define our strengths. We are brought up to over emphasize improvement, from tests in school to job performance reviews to a myriad of self help products. What if we spent more time working and focusing on our strengths, the things we naturally do really well? Psychological research tells us that we are happier and work more effectively when we operate in our strengths. Educational research tells us we learn better when we are taught in our preferred learning style.
The second belief that my work as a therapist is rooted in is "It is better to focus on the use and development of our strengths than to dwell on our weaknesses". Whether we are looking for solutions to our problems, trying to grow and appreciate others in relationship or learning how to love ourselves we never gain much distance when the focus is on the negative. Just for today take your three strengths and celebrate them. Offer them to others, spend part of your day working a strength area, write out your strengths, post them on your bathroom mirror and speak them out as affirmations to yourself. If you are really stuck go pick up Tom Rath's book Strengthfinders 2.0 and take the strengths assessment online. This survey from Gallup will provide you with a detailed breakdown of your top 5 strengths and inspire you to do more with what your really good at!

You have the power

One of those most amazing statistics on therapy out there is that 90% of the success rate is based on the client/therapist relationship, only 10% is based on the "type of approach" a therapist uses.
When I started to put together my list of beliefs behind why I work as a therapist the first one came easily and is a bedrock in my thinking. "First and foremost, I believe in the self-efficacy of each individual to access what already lies within them to heal and grow. The therapist bears witness to, encourages, advises and educates as a part of the client's process"
I believe that people know what they need to do to heal. That knowing may need to be uncovered, brushed off, revived, or at times resuscitated but it is there in the essence of our being. Often times what needs to be done is so simple yet so complicated that we write it off as unnecessary or meaningless. For example, I have seen symptoms of anxiety and depression diminish through the powerful impact of confession or forgiveness. Talking for the first time about a history of abuse, admitting for the first time the commitment to victimhood or finally releasing the painful unmet expectations rooted in childhood. Any one of these acts come to the surface during therapy not through the therapist but rather through the heart of the client. The process to getting there is as much an individual choice as is taking the time and getting the help to listen to yourself. This always reminds me of the end of the movie "The Wizard of Oz" when Glinda says to Dorothy "Why, you have had the power to go home the whole time". We all have the power to heal and grow anytime we want and getting help to remember who we are, well that's just a part of the journey.

The why behind our do.

Everything we do is informed by a reason. These reasons, of which we have many, are developed because of something we believe. I suppose in it's simplest form that is the definition of cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive = what we think and Behavioral = what we do. In therapy I use this method with clients every day to help them change what they think so they will take new actions and create a more satisfying life.
After I had spent my first year working as a therapist I sat down and thoughtfully considered my reasons for choosing this line of work. What were my reasons? What was it that I believed about life, people and changes that motivated me to help others learn, heal and grow? That day I came up with a list of 20 beliefs that were the why behind my do. I am certain these will modify and grow over the years but as I read them today they still make up the foundation that informs my everyday.
Over the next few weeks I am going to blog about each of these beliefs in hopes that I may understand them better and that they may inspire you to ask yourself -
What is the why behind my do?

Love Languages

I first heard about love languages about 20 years ago in pre-marriage counseling with my husband. I remember doing a short quiz and sharing with each other how we most enjoyed receiving love from others. Since then The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman has become a hit book and fairly common main street conversation. If you haven't heard about this concept here's a quick summary: Just like we have different learning styles we each have different ways that we like being loved. These five ways have been identified as talk, touch, time, service and gifts. Each person has a preference as to how they like to have love communicated. Often, when we aren't aware of another persons primary love language we will offer love in the way we like to receive love. This is why it is so helpful to share in a relationship your preferences as it allows greater intimacy when we know how to specifically meet each others love needs. (There is nothing that causes more relational insanity than waiting for someone to read your mind!)

So, here is a fun activity to do with your family, spouse or family of friends.

Sit together for a meal and give each person a short love language quiz that looks like this:

What is your love language?
_ Time (spend time with people you love)
_ Talk (expressions of love and conversation)
_ Touch (physical affection and intimacy)
_ Gift (meaningful or thoughtful gifts)
_Service (someone doing something for you)

Ask each person to rank these in order from what makes them feel most loved to least loved. Then, go around the table and talk about each person's answer, even asking for an example so you can really see what expressions are meaningful. My family did this during our Valentine's meal and it was so amazing to hear what my kids and spouse had to say! Their answers offered a vital peek into how to make sure I am touching their hearts in a personal way on a daily basis. This is so simple and yet really powerful. Give it a try!

Keeping Love Alive

What a great morning on The Buzz with FOX 9! Check out the video with tips for keeping your relationship going during the busy years of marriage. More tomorrow on FOX morning news at 8:30 on how to express love to your kids.

Love is an Action Word

We have all heard it said that it is the thought that counts. In some ways this is true, our thoughts do have a powerful effect on our reality. But in relationships this is a false statement. In relationships thoughts need to be put into action for people to know how we feel. Here are some simple ways to turn your loving thoughts into loving actions.
1. When someone crosses your mind and you think of them fondly use one of the many modes of communication at our disposal. Voicemail, Text, Facebook, IM, or Twitter a quick "just thinking about you" or "I love you" note. It is so easy!
2. When you think of something you could do with your spouse, child or friend put it on your schedule. Block out time for a walk, make a reservation for dinner, schedule a cup of coffee.
3. Say yes to spontaneous ideas and create memories that last a lifetime. The next time the kids are in their jammies and ready for bed, get them in the car and take a surprise adventure to the ice cream shop or build a fort and read stories. All it takes is a little extra time to make a lifetime memory of love.
4. Make a remember list. When a great gift idea for your son comes to mind or your spouse talks about a new book they would like write it on your to do list. Turning other people's desires into reality let's them know you really care.
These are just a few ways you can make your thoughts genuinely count toward building more intimate and loving relationships. So when that thought runs through your mind today turn it into an action!

Loving Awake

Where I used to live in California there was a coffee shop named The Coffee Gallery. Every morning they hung a sign that said "Open and Awake". I loved that sign because it was a great reminder to step fully into life! Being open and awake is the first step to truly loving ourselves, our families and friends. When we live unconsciously or asleep we struggle to pay attention, days run into weeks and before we know it kids grow up, careers go stagnant, relationships grow distant, dreams dim and we wonder "Who am I?". This closes us down to our purpose and creates depression, anxiety and worst of all, apathy.
One of the best gifts you can give yourself, your family and those that love you this Valentine's Day is YOU - fully alive. Decide that now is the best day to live. Do one thing different and see your perspective shift. Change one limiting thought or belief to the positive. Give your one and only life the value it deserves. Each of these actions will create an opportunity for you to be Open and Awake, ready to give and receive love like never before. Tomorrow we are going to look at simple ways to express love to those closest to you, yourself included!

Learning How to Love

With Valentine's Day just a week away my thoughts turn to those I love. I know some people bristle at the Hallmark initiated holiday but I don't think it is such a bad idea to take one day out of the year and focus on those we love. Actually, most of us probably celebrate the concept of Valentine's Day on plenty of other days throughout the year. However, it is easy, many days, to let life get in the way of who really matters.
This week I am going to write about ways that we can show love to our family, those the closest to us, on a day to day basis. One of the most incredible influences that a parent has is that of teaching children how emotions are expressed. Research is showing that we learn from infancy what emotions look and feel like through our parent's expression. We learn if anger is a loud or quiet emotion, we learn if sadness is express in tears in public or through isolation. In like fashion, we learn what love looks like, for example, whether it is verbal or implied. I have had more than one client tell me that they knew their parent loved them even though they never heard the words I love you. Although that same client would attest that the words would have been wonderful.
This week let's look at ways families can express their love through Talking Love, Acting Love and Living Love. Check in tomorrow for more!